Equality VS Chivalry

For all of you who didn't get to see, my recent article was published in Arsenic Magazine! I posted the content here as well, for you to enjoy!!

The modern woman is as confusing as ever (if not more). When it comes to dating, let’s face it; men don’t know what we want (as usual), but this time, I don’t think it’s their fault. I think that as a collective of strong women, we don’t know what we want, and when we do, we don’t know how to draw the line between chivalry and equality (if there is one). We want to be treated like ladies, but we also want the pay we deserve. We want to be able to open our doors, but have someone beat us to it. We want to be able to provide for ourselves, but know that someone else is willing.

It’s not an easy task, deciding what we want and when we want it, and it’s even harder for men to catch on. 

I think that this topic is more or less the struggle of strong women.  Some girls, let boys pay for things, fight their fights, and fix their cars. Those are not the girls who care to read this article, and there will be boys who will cater to the needy-needs of girls like that.

Some boys may choose to forgo this modern oddity we call chivalry, because they are simply not fit to compete. These are the boys who find themselves in pet-relationships, where a needy-girl will tell him what to do, and he will do it (and feel like a man doing it). Mind you, this is NOT because she is a strong woman or because he is a manly-man. This dynamic is one that exists between two people who seek security in their partners needs.

For all the men who care to compete for the heart of a modern woman, you should know a few things.

We want you to (want to) open doors, walk on the street side, and pay for our dinners, but we also want you to know that we are perfectly capable of doing it ourselves. I don’t think it’s something we should expect from you but I do think we all appreciate these respectful behaviors. Modern dating is just different (period). Women are more self-sufficient than ever and I think this can be intimidating to some boys. This is where it becomes a competition. Now, men don’t have to compete only with other men, but they must also compete with the women they’re dating too. Prove to us that we should prefer you to everyone else. Prove to us that you’re the guy we should spend our time with. Prove to us that you understand our needs and want to take care of us, when we can’t.  In return, we will do the same (equality).

To have expectations going into a date is fine; just know that what you’re looking for may not be what he or she has to offer. Equality doesn’t have to play a part in our personal relationships if we don’t want it to. Some of us prefer to be in domineering relationships (on both ends), while others prefer to share things equally-across the board. It just so happens that most women seek partners who make them feel safe, and that comes in the form of chivalry. Feeling like you want a man to take care of you doesn’t mean that it has to carry over into your professional life. I think that’s when things get sticky. People often think that we have to be consistent to be right and that’s just not the case when it comes to dating and professional matters. If I walk into work and a male co-worker doesn’t step out of the way and hold the door for me, I’m not going to be offended; we’re not trying to date each other, therefor I don’t expect him to try and make me feel safe. When I show up for a date, I seek certain characteristics in a man, just the same as he seeks certain behaviors in a woman, and for the relationship to go any further I expect to feel safe with him.  Call it chivalry; call it whatever you want, but it’s something most women prefer to have in a mate.

If we were expected to align our beliefs on equality with our dating preferences, sex would be a lot less fun.

Don’t ask us to decide between chivalry and equality. We don’t need to.

Food for thought,

Han B.